Anger and Aggression

I'm starting to feel like I'm in middle school again, afraid of my own shadow. I realize it sounds a little odd, but please try to understand that my shadow has always been the manifestation of my aggression.

When I was young I was bullied on, I have a picture from elementary school where I'm literally over a head taller than everyone else in my class. And I kept growing, I never got to get used to my height, I never learned coordination. Back in the 90s when you were big and bullied the teachers told you to bully them in return. So I did.

The problem was, when I was bullied no one really seemed to care. At least no one seemed to care about me, but when I bullied them back, and then my classmates would fawn over them. They would make sure the asses were alright, to make sure the Ogre hadn't hurt them. Then I would get dirty looks for days. And in the end I would just be bullied again and no one would care.

Soon my size and strength began to be a curse and I began to fear my anger and aggression. I began to force my anger down so that I couldn't touch it. Soon I couldn't draw it out at safely. I would become pent up and frustrated and then I would snap under the smallest of pretexts. I would lose potential friends and more, because I couldn’t express myself in constructive ways. I couldn't draw out my anger constructively while lifting nor could I push my aggression in competition. And I never really learned how.

And that leads me to now. Now I'm 30. When I lift my anger comes out naturally and I can feel my muscles tear from the extra strain. And I'm afraid to get together with my friends and compete in noncontact sports because my Shadow, that which is the manifestation of my aggression, may rear is its head and roar. And then I'll have no control of myself at all.

Respectably,

 

Nathan.

Hopes, Dreams and Catfishes

So the girls I had been talking to online was another Catfish. Now logically I've known for a week or two that something was wrong, but emotionally I needed the crutch. I wanted it to be true so much. I wanted someone to look forward to seeing me, to be wanted. I liked caring about someone's safety and not having to worry if they would get the wrong impression and I'd somehow loose a friend. 

Still it was nice to talk to a real person. Even if all the information I was given beforehand was fake, I like to believe that what we chatted about on yahoo was real. Of course, this also makes the blow worse as well, doesn't it? Unlike the others, I had actually grown feelings for this woman. Feelings of friendship and companionship mix with caring and at the end a hope for the future. 

Once again my hopes for a future are destroyed by someone who cares only for themselves. And my dreams of a family of my own have been made nightmares, seemingly of my own ineptitude. Right now I feel horrible, as all I can think of is the relationship that caused my last emotional spiral. I feel horrible because I want their relationship to fail and not because I want to attempt another relationship with the girl, but so that my old friend who tore out my heart will feel the pain that I do now. I've repeatedly told myself it the past 12 hours that I want this so I can pursue a meaningful friendship with the girl. But that's because I fear if I do pursue it now, some of my old friends will try to use that slowly budding friendship as an excuse to force me to become friends with him again. 

Once you combine these two issues with my financial woes caused partially from my emotional/mental breakdown at the beginning of the year, along with my mom's horrible attempts to help me coup, it just feels like I'm being pushed away again.  

As to my Mom's attempts to help, she calls almost every day. Which I like, I like knowing someone cares, but she keeps throwing my mistakes in my face I don't know if she's attempting to make a joke or if it's a reminder. But either way, at the end of the day I've generally already used up most of my mental fortitude against it. I tear down myself throughout the day as it is, just to rebuild myself. So that eventually I can feel whole again, while still being myself. But having her remind me of my money issues, while I work my second job at home, while my bills sit on my table in front me needing to be paid, when I already can't pay my rent, I don't know what to do. I don't want her to stop calling.  

But I'll keep working on it. I'll keep pushing myself as I can. I let my fears of my past allow me to stagnate for too long. I'll do what I can to use my anger and my will power in useful manners. I'll clean up my lifestyle and then who knows. I never would have guessed this, not now… 

Respectably, 

Nathan