Anger and Aggression

I'm starting to feel like I'm in middle school again, afraid of my own shadow. I realize it sounds a little odd, but please try to understand that my shadow has always been the manifestation of my aggression.

When I was young I was bullied on, I have a picture from elementary school where I'm literally over a head taller than everyone else in my class. And I kept growing, I never got to get used to my height, I never learned coordination. Back in the 90s when you were big and bullied the teachers told you to bully them in return. So I did.

The problem was, when I was bullied no one really seemed to care. At least no one seemed to care about me, but when I bullied them back, and then my classmates would fawn over them. They would make sure the asses were alright, to make sure the Ogre hadn't hurt them. Then I would get dirty looks for days. And in the end I would just be bullied again and no one would care.

Soon my size and strength began to be a curse and I began to fear my anger and aggression. I began to force my anger down so that I couldn't touch it. Soon I couldn't draw it out at safely. I would become pent up and frustrated and then I would snap under the smallest of pretexts. I would lose potential friends and more, because I couldn’t express myself in constructive ways. I couldn't draw out my anger constructively while lifting nor could I push my aggression in competition. And I never really learned how.

And that leads me to now. Now I'm 30. When I lift my anger comes out naturally and I can feel my muscles tear from the extra strain. And I'm afraid to get together with my friends and compete in noncontact sports because my Shadow, that which is the manifestation of my aggression, may rear is its head and roar. And then I'll have no control of myself at all.

Respectably,

 

Nathan.