Resentment

For a long I've had feelings of anger and resentment towards my parents. And now I have these same feelings for Matt, Paige, my friends and GOD himself. And now as I write this, I wonder if it's only resentment towards myself.

 People always used to tell me "Nathan, life isn't fair. You don't always get what you put in…" No shit. I've always known that; it's one of the many reasons why for so long that I didn't do anything. It never seemed to matter what I did.

 If I thought I was good at something, I would quickly find someone better; they would belittle me for being incorrect at my able. If I put in more effort I would always get one of three things: no one would be impressed if it mattered at all, the effort wouldn't be enough, or the worst they are surprised as if I'd never done anything of that caliber before. And then I'd have to start at the beginning again, soon after I'd be shown someone better. Now this isn't a bad thing normally, but I was a depressed pre-teen trying to find someone he wanted to do. In the end I just decided in wasn't worth the effort to try, of course then it was my fault when it failed, somehow.

 Sometimes I wonder how I made it to High School, never mind how I kept a remote amount of sanity I had when I graduated. But that's where todays issue starts, my senior year of high school. In my 18^th year of life my parents had already began to end their marriage. They hadn't told my brother or me yet, but I had known something was amiss. I have never been book smart, don't get me wrong I'm intelligent; but I pick up things much easier on intuition that on what I'm told. And I've seen families go through divorces before. But that's a story for another time, if a really important story.

 They officially told us after I graduated from high school and as normal they tried to explain how it wasn't our fault. However, they also told me they only stayed together, because they didn't want it to interrupt my studies and graduation. Trust me, it being a barely kept secret had interrupted my studies and I barely graduated. Now that being said I did quickly except the divorce wasn't my fault, but the very idea that the reason the two people who I've loved the longest in the world only had stayed together when they didn't want or needed to was a blow to my heart and my already damaged psyche.

 I had hoped that when I went to college that I would be able to move on; that I could leave the pain behind me and go on and start to live my life for real. I had lost many friends, because I never learned what to do with my feelings; unfortunately I hadn't needed to learn to make new ones either. I never really had my brother; we've only started to become close recently in RL. Haleigh, the girl I love was lost to me and Becca who loved me; I had let go, because I never felt any more than friendship for. My family was now lost to me and I really didn't understand why and I had no one help me to try to understand. I figured at that point I had already lost everything I had loved and there wasn't anything left to loose.

 And then I got sick; I lost my health and my future all at once. After my splenectomy I tried to return to college, but my drive was gone. Once again I had put my all in and got less than nothing in return. I had accepted that somehow I had done something to deserve to be alone, to be poor and to be haunted by my past. My mistakes came in daydreams; I would relive my life experiences and try to change them only to have to remember that I was still stuck in a dead end job at home, unwilling to take the chance to change. Of course the worse part was my good memories; they would come while I slept. They would always be so life-like, to the point I was having full audible conversations. At first they would all be there. Haleigh, Jess, the guys and their significant others and we would just sit around by fire and talk. Every time I would have this dream I would wake up in tears, my longing so great.

 About a year after my illness, I got to see Haleigh one last time. And as we sat next to each other on the bleachers and talked I felt such a great sense of peace. There are not words for what I felt. But I wasn't able to apologize; in the end we just said goodbye. She was the first girl I loved, I loved her then and I there's a part of me that loves her now. I truly believe there will always be that 21 year old part of me that loves that 19 year old image of her.

I accept my own resentment of myself, the resentment that I never told her how sorry I was. I didn't know how to express my feelings for her, to explain how I wanted more than friendship. I had hoped that maybe those notes would give me enough time to get up my courage to tell her or to prove my worth to her (and to me as well) or something. But in the end, all they did was scare her. I slipped and started to doubt myself and I ended up blaming her. And I lost it all.

    There aren't words to express my sorrow.
 
All I can do is ask for forgiveness,

 Nathan